I think I let my thoughts and emotions get to me too easily. Too many thoughts are crowding my mind today. All I did was sleep the entire afternoon away, and restlessly flop around my bed at night. Thank goodness for the suite mates because their company alone made the day so much better :)
Scrolling through the artparasites Facebook page was not the wisest thing to do. I hate it when people use the word 'feels' as a noun, but that was what it was. So much feels. Feels overload. Could not deal with all the feels that were overwhelming me.
"my thoughts are stars i can't fathom into constellations"
So what if my laughter is not the most delicate, if I don't walk in a very ladylike manner, if I have strong views about certain topics and come off as opinionated, if I have physical flaws? I think, at the end of the day, I would rather end up alone than end up with someone who does not accept me the way I am and only makes me feel inadequate.
There is a fine line between self-improvement and changing yourself for others. I will want to improve myself, be less lazy, more driven, healthier, etc. But certain things are the way I am. Things like my physical "flaws", things like having huge pores or monolids and small eyes, I was born like this and I should only be with someone who acknowledges it but does not care either way. Maybe sometimes I will put on makeup to hide those flaws because putting on makeup is fun and it's always nice to look nice, but I must never allow myself to settle for anyone who fails to appreciate that I am human and inherently flawed. I should, however, hopefully find someone who constantly pushes me to improve myself.
I think I am beginning to learn this. It's a work in progress, but anything is better than nothing. I guess only time will tell how everything turns out. I believe, I hope, that things happen for a reason and it's for the best that things ended and life goes on. I know I am recovering, but I also know that I am someone who thinks far too much about everything, which only makes it harder to let go of things.
I feel like I have learned a lot from my two years in university thus far. Dealing with failed friendships and failed relationships, realising that people will drift apart and certain friendships will always remain superficial, trying to figure out how to deal with all the changes that come my way, coping with the ephemerality of everything, telling myself that it's okay because that is how life works.
It will be a challenge, coping with life without Tembusu. More significantly, life without my suite mates. Without their company every day, without the mundane conversations that never fail to make me laugh or smile, without the physical presence of my peers around me all the time. Simply by being physically there or by carrying out trivial day-to-day activities, they were a pillar of strength because it was comforting to know that at least I was physically not alone.
So many thoughts crowding my mind, demanding my attention and refusing to let me do anything productive. I feel a sense of relief to finally pen down some of these thoughts. I need to learn to handle such situations better in future. For now, all I can do is go to sleep and hope for a more productive study day tomorrow.
Okay, hoping is useless. I will make sure it is productive. Tomorrow must and therefore will be a productive day. Week 9, 10, 11 and 12 to cover for my final paper. Thematic analysis, narrative analysis, discourse analysis, semiotics analysis, writing qualitative research papers. Bring it on.